Going crazy…

I have friends and people in my life that have told me after hearing or reading our story, ” you’re so strong!” or “Oh I could never do what you do and be sane!”

The fact of the matter here peeps is this…
I’m going crazy!!



In the last month and a half, we’ve increased Ryan’s medications twice. Break through seizures can suck a donkeys butt because he had two in a matter of a month and a few days. (July 5 and August 7) – I’m over them!! We are to the point where we are comfortable taking care of things at home unless there are new things that happen. Thankfully (kinda) these two happened at home and we stayed there.

But with the increases of medication, it also means we have side effects to deal with. More hyperactivity, mood changes, sleeping pattern issues – just to name a few. Its driving me crazy! I’m going crazy…

I feel the need to follow Ryan around wherever he is in the house or outside and make sure whatever he’s getting into is his, will be safe for him, and wouldn’t be something I’d not let him play with if my sanity level was more…. sane. His imbalance and clumsiness is at an all time high, and he needs to be with someone 24/7.

Toys have to be all over the living room. All. Of. The. Time. I’m going crazy…

If there is something in his way, it’s out of his way and all over the floor – whipped everywhere.

If he’s hungry, he helps himself into the cupboards or reaches on the counter top and eats what he wants if something has been left low enough for him. I’ve had to reorganize my cupboards/lazy Susan a few times for this reason. (And he gets really mad when the lazy Susan pinches his fingers!)

Diaper changes turn into a kick fest because he doesn’t want to be touched at that moment….so keeping him occupied at that time is VERY important!

Meals either end up all over the floor, in another room, in his tummy, smashed all over his high chair tray, or in the pups mouth. It rarely happens that everything ends up in his mouth.

If we have a far full of kids, Ryan will be in his carseat behind me, and the poor child in the middle of the back seat gets the worst of the car ride. Fists in the face, hair being pulled, knees are kicked…oh that poor middle seat child. I’m going crazy…

Sitting down and watching a movie doesn’t happen unless he’s ready for a nap – but won’t take one – or almost ready to pass out for bed at night.

Pictures – don’t happen unless he’s occupied and I have a minute to grab and click, he’s sleeping, or someone else is taking the pictures.

When we’re in public, I’m literally on top of him making sure he’s not going to fall and not getting into anything he shouldn’t be. I’m going crazy…

Ryan can and will trip over his own feet and fall on his face at any given moment.

Which brings me to today – I’m going crazy and should have gone to bed hours ago. Bear with me here.

The same day he was up about 30 minutes before he normally is, lost his thumb nail, had to run with his mama in the rain from the car to store and back again (twice), had PT who worked his bootay off for 45 minutes, had speech for about an hour immediately after PT, then home for lunch…where still – he. never. stops.

So for that reason, after lunch, I decided it was a movie-relaxing-lazy day. We had a couple extra kids in the house, and they agreed after the running around type of morning we had, a good day in front of some good movies wasn’t a bad idea at all.  The Bee Movie, Wreck It Ralph (of course), and Monsters vs. Aliens was on the agenda today. I was excited.

But remember how I mentioned earlier about movies for Ryan? Only if he’s tired and ready to sleep? Yeah…exactly.

By the time we got through the first movie, he had his bin full of GeoTrax dumped out.  1/2 way through Wreck It Ralph, he had enough sitting and relaxing and was on a rampage. He headed toward the kitchen, tripped over his own feet, and fell face first on the floor.



(The darkening tooth will be looked at when we see the dentist in September. He fell on a cement basement floor and his front tooth caught him.)

After one of the worst bloody noses I’ve seen from him (that I couldn’t stop without Vaseline after 10 minutes!) I also noticed blood coming from his mouth. My poor peanut sliced a cut in his bottom lip and it was already starting to bulge. Big sister to the rescue as she raced to get ice cubes, tissue, and even the Vaseline without me asking! (I really wonder where her life will go when she’s on her own…but I’m NOT rushing that so disregard I even mentioned that!)

So after we got him all cleaned up, he sat with me and watched Wreck it Ralph.

My poor dude looks like a boxer!!

Ryan didn’t take a nap, even after the fall and more cuddling, more hitting, more attitude and the love-hate relationship he’s got with everyone at different moments.

Those will go away, with time – I hope. But the love we have in this house and the craziness we’ll always have will always be there.

He sleeps like crap at night lately. Either falling asleep for a few hours and sneaking out to the living room where he’ll find Britney and I spending time together – or – waking up in the middle of the night wanting to play with anything he can get his hands on in the middle of the night. Including the dogs tail.

Him sleeping like crap at night, means I’m sleeping like crap at night. A sleep deprived mom means a cranky, irritated, not happy mom! I need sleep. I’m going crazy without it…

I’m breaking down in my exhaustion and getting emotional. I’m thankful for those around me that are able to comfort me in that exhaustion and my craziness. I’m thankful for those that give me a break and let me walk away for a minute or 60.

Ryan has been making me crazy…but I’m crazy in love with him and his sister regardless of our craziness. I’m not going crazy alone…and this I’m happy about!


Thank you for supporting us….even if we are a little crazy!



  1. Angie

    I love you! Even if you go crazy, you are a still strong, brave, and an incredible mother for all that you do woman. You battle tons on a daily basis. ❤ A.

  2. Love you crazy lady

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