When I feet defeated, I’d put this song on…and the tears just fall. There are blessings all around me…and I need to be reminded sometimes.
When I think of last year to now, it’s been a whirlwind, but I have also been very very blessed. And even if I think God hasn’t blessed me with the things I want and ask for, in His own way, it’s a blessing…even if His blessings are disguised!
We started 2012 off with pneumonia, seizures every few months, MRI’s, EEG’s, Ryan was in Early Childhood at his school and doing a good job! He was taking 3 different medications twice a day. He was crawling, walking with his walker and by holding onto someones hand, cruised around furniture, wasn’t very verbal and his medications caused him irritability every time we increased the dose due to breakthrough seizures. He suffered many seizures this past year, and some with a few seizures one right after another. We discussed and attended neuropsych evaluations in the summer where they placed him on the Autism spectrum in hopes of getting extra therapy for him.
Through all of these storms and missteps, I can’t help but look at the positive in it all and how far we have come!
Ryan has been pretty healthy this year compared to the last… Even when we took him off of his medications in August while in the hospital, he hadn’t seized. He wasn’t seizing without any medication, but he was a new and improved and happy cuddly lil dude that I remember before any seizure medications. We switched medications – going from the 3 different meds twice a day to one medication three times a day – he didn’t seize for a few months after! He was walking WITHOUT holding onto anything a week after he was on the new medications. He became MUCH more verbal after being on the new medication.
I remember going through those storms and realizing how frustrated and horribly defeated I felt.
I prayed for protection, for wisdom and love and patience. I will always pray for acceptance, and most important of all: healing. I remember waiting until the kids were in bed, or I took a shower, or I was alone while they were at school, just so I could cry and be weak…I didn’t want anyone, especially my kids to see me cry because I felt defeated. Sometimes I remember wanting to cry from frustration or annoyance, but I wasn’t able to because I was so used to putting on that ‘strong’ face.
The words of “Blessings” by Laura Story ring so true for me.
As I remember the storms, I celebrate, because I made it through all of the rain and wind…the lighting and thunder too! I made it through the triumphs and missteps. The promises made and broke. I’ve gotten another chance – a chance to forgive, to be a better mom, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more, to BE more…for everyone around me!
I embrace the blessings…even if they come and are disguised as something I don’t enjoy or see the goodness in, right away.
Just because He doesn’t answer the way we may want, doesn’t mean God isn’t blessing us.